— Are You There God, It's Me Mommy

Dear Are You There God,

One of us was recently involved in a conversation with parents about this very issue. How do you talk to a kid about god (we'll go lowercase here, out of respect for your beliefs) when you don't know whether you believe in god yourself? Or when you know that you don't, but don't want to force your ideology down your kid's throat? A lot of thoughtful discussion was had, and there were no easy answers. Is it as easy as saying "This is what I believe, this is what other people believe, you can believe what you want . . .?"

It's a bit much to expect a three-year-old to understand this abstract choice. She doesn't even know what or who god is, let alone whether to hitch her horse to his (or her or its) cart. One mom suggested parents should play shrink, dodging any personal inquiries by lobbing questions right back. We like this idea, if only for exploratory purposes: You want to know why this is coming up now. What has she heard? What does she think? But if she's anything like our kids, she'll eventually demand a direct answer on your own beliefs. Avoiding her curiosity won't be much help. As parents, your beliefs matter. At this age, it's fairly likely that she'll follow your lead.

When we read your letter, we were struck (and impressed) by your openminded attitude. Not every atheist (or anything-ist) shares your views, namely, that it's ok for not everyone to share the same views.  And therein lies the answer to your question. It seems like what you're looking to teach your daughter is not what to believe, but how to respect different beliefs.

When ("if" is not a realistic expectation) your daughter asks you about god, we suggest you tell her a simple version of your truth. And follow up with some context, including the fact that other people she loves have other ideas . . . and how that's ok with you. In terms of how exactly to talk about it, there are lots of ways. Sometimes people frame religion like a story that some people believe is true and others don't. You can also tell her feelings about god are a little bit like feelings in general; unique to each individual. So there's room for everybody's own ideas about god; yours, Grandma's, and eventually, her own.

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Dear Royal,

Year after year parents worry that their vulnerable young daughters will be damaged by obsessions with Disney's wasp-waisted, pug-nosed role models. The princess industrial complex is unstoppable, and our little girls are drawn to it like flies to sh*t. If you manage to keep the whole thing outside of your daughter's frame of vision, we salute your efforts (and wonder if she's getting enough Vitamin D locked in that basement). If your daughter knows about princesses but doesn't give a hoot, we salute your . . . luck. The major feminist argument against The Princess is that her entire personality consists of being passive and pretty. Some worry more about the stress on beauty, for others it's the lack of agency, or the lack of cultural identity. It's all very interesting from a semiotics standpoint. But as Peggy Orenstein put it a few years ago in the Times, " maybe a princess is sometimes just a princess." In other words, what she means to you is not at all what she means to your daughter. Fighting her obsession could hurt your cause. These tinsel goddesses are characters she identifies with; negativity may be wrongly interpreted or internalized. You might teach her that you don't like what she likes, or what she imagines she is. Or, you might just show her a really easy way to rile you up. The last thing you want to do is to give the princesses the power of getting to you on top of their other powers. You can help your daughter see outside the pink satin box by providing her with a range of pretend play options, and reading her fantasy narratives that go beyond the basic happily ever after (AKA wedding) tale. You can certainly introduce her to the wonders of Wonder Woman and see if she takes the bait. (She does have a crown, after all.) But Halloween is probably not the time to challenge her interests. Halloween is an opportunity for self-expression and identification. We are believers in the self-generated costume (if not in construction, at least in concept). You can force your daughter to wear a Wonder Woman costume, but you can't make her like it. Our advice is to go with the flow and let her be whatever she feels like being for the moment, however much it abrades your feminist sensibilities. Word among parents of older girls is that the princess phase, though often torturous, passes quickly. If you don't add the element of rebellion into the mix, maybe it will run its course sooner. And hey, if you let her go as a princess now, you've got a good excuse not to let her be one again next year.

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Dear Sugar free mama,

For parents, the avalanche of candy at Halloween can be scarier than the ghoulish costumes. On the one hand, there are your standards: healthy, natural foods. On the other, there's tradition: an all you can eat sugar-soaked artificially Technicolored candy gorgefest.

Unless you live in an exceptionally health-conscious neighborhood where kale chips are the Halloween treat of choice, if you want to avoid sugar altogether, you have to avoid Halloween altogether. Which would be a bummer.

Though the chasm between kale and candy corn is admittedly vast, there are ways to compromise, giving you some control over your kids' sugar intake while still giving them some degree of enjoyment. You just need to decide what enjoyment-to-control ratio you're comfortable with.

The way we see it, there's life, and there are special occasions. Some candy on Halloween is not going to undermine years of healthy eating. Forbidding your son from indulging while his cousins pig out, on the other hand, could provoke the beginnings of a flat-out sugar OBSESSION. We've too often heard about the sugar-denied kid doing all kinds of things — early childhood shoplifters you know who you are — to get his or her hands on the stuff once freed from mom and dad's immediate purview.

Like you, many parents subscribe to the hard line no-candy lifestyle early on. And we totally support this. Giving a toddler a box of Mike and Ike's? What!? Why? But an older kid is starting to pick up the corn syrup scent. Now your job is not only to take control but to teach control. Moderation can be a harder, longer lesson, but it's a valuable skill that your child can eventually apply to all kinds of temptations.  

The moderation approach to Halloween can include any of the following:

  • Don't let your little kid trick or treat forever. There's no reason a three-year-old should be dragging a 3 lb bag of candy home.

  • Make the event more about the costume and play than about the booty. For every mention of candy, there should be at least ten mentions of costumes, pumpkins, hanging out with friends . . .

  • Feed him a good meal before you head out.

  • Consider rationing the candy. Two pieces of candy a day till it's done? If the bag isn't so big, we're talking a week or two. Let him pick his poison at a high-energy expending time of day. Not before bed. And not as a reward for eating "good food." Candy as reward is not going to help your cause.

  • Consider letting him feel sick. Some parents go for the one night extravaganza method. On the good side, this gets the horror over with, on the bad side, it is almost sure to result in a stomachache/teachable moment.

  • Try not to make a huge deal about the candy. Tell your son it's not good for your body to eat candy and/or junk food. But a little bit on special occasions is OK. This is the boring truth.

There are lots of variations and combinations of you could try. But all will require you to accept the basic premise: you're letting your kid do something you don't love. Believe us, this will not be the last time . . . but that doesn't make it any less difficult. May we suggest some chocolate to soothe your wounds? Or maybe some kale chips.

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Dear Too Posh,

There's no such thing as a stupid question, even when it involves the delightful prospect of defecating on a baby. In fact, this is a very common and totally understandable concern. Many women worry about what might come out in addition to a baby.

When you bear down in labor, you use the same muscles you use when you have a bowel movement. The urge to push a baby is pretty much the same as the urge to use the toilet. It's all the same area, same triggers, same muscles. So, yeah, it's true poop happens. It's common. It's normal. And you will likely never have a clue if it does.

Caregivers are discreet and quick to wipe away any evidence. They have seen it all a hundred times. No one will scream "GROSS." No one will worry. And if your partner or labor support person is watching the baby emerge, it's unlikely he or she will even notice.

As far as the baby's involvement: Any poop action will probably happen earlier in the pushing stage and be well out of the way before the baby's head emerges. Women often have diarrhea at the onset of labor: the hormone progesterone loosens intestines along with everything else. There is always the enema. A staple of labor preparation in the olden days, women are no longer required to flush their bowels before delivering babies. You can still request an enema if you want one, but realize that this comes with its own set of discomforts and humiliations. Plus, labor and your intestines are long. Even if you empty your bowels early in labor, by the time you push you may be hitting another digestion cycle.

Also worth mentioning while talking about babies and nethers: there's a lot of good bacteria in the birth canal (AKA the vagina) that does all kinds of wonders for the baby's immune system. Seriously, one reason there's added risk in a c-section is that babies miss out on that smear of bacteria. So while this may all seem rather impolite, it's a pretty good system.

Almost all babies born vaginally do come out facing the rear (posterior position). But when the head crowns and emerges, the baby's face turns out rather than back towards the anus. It's kind of like the head at the prow of a boat and pretty rad, at that.

Bottom line is: try not to worry about the poop factor. If you're trying to push but also not trying to push, you'll give yourself more unnecessary work. Birth is a pretty solidly intense event: women in labor tend to shift their priorities completely. It's hard to imagine now, but the chances are excellent that when that moment comes, poop anxiety will be pretty low on your list.

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Dear D& D, 

Clinical Attachment Disorders develop when an older baby/young child is repeatedly ignored, abandoned and/or abused. The basis of these disorders is Attachment Theory, which grew out of the study of orphans in post World War II Europe. These kids were so deprived of ANY responsive care giving whatsoever that they developed severe problems. We're talking homeless kids in dark rooms with no one answering their cries. It's super depressing and extreme stuff. And it's not what's happening to your daughter. 

On the contrary, your daughter has a loving caregiver and a very connected, loving working mother. Hearing her call out someone else's name can pull at a mother's heartstrings. We've been there, and we know it's not easy. But you are her mother. Her caregivers will flow in and out of her life — some will be consistent for years, some will be relatives, some will be short-term sitters. But you'll always be there. You gave birth to her, you nurse her, you go to work, you come back.

Though more of us are working mothers than not these days, the idea of the mom as the only one who can be the primary caregiver 24/7 can be hard to shake off. In her book Mother Nature, anthropologist Sarah Hrdy explores, among other things, care giving across time and cultures. And guess what. It's not just "natural" for a kid to be raised by a community of caregivers while the mother works, it can actually be good for them. It's great if a baby/young child feels loved and cared for by a small or even large network of people. Young kids do develop primary attachments, but this can be with someone besides a mother. Like a dad. Or a grandmother. Or a caregiver. And they have room in their hearts for more than one. Many of us have two parents, after all. Completely random, massively inconsistent care is not good — and could, in extreme cases, lead to attachment issues — but a loving, regular nanny: AOK.

It doesn't sound like you need to do more to be connected but there are some things working moms do. Some co-sleep or continue nursing into the toddler years for some overnight bonding. Others push bedtime back a little in order to spend a couple/few hours with the child/ren after work. If she takes a whopper of a nap midday, she'll be up past nine o'clock , no problem. This can get difficult once school starts, but toddler's sleep is usually more flexible. 

As much as you may feel jealous of your caregiver — which is, by the way, a totally normal, understandable feeling — remember that a good, responsive caregiver is not taking away from your love. It's just adding more, from another direction. If your daughter felt cranky and detached from her daytime sitter, she would probably call out your name more . . . but she wouldn't be any better for it.

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